


thousand armies (couldn't keep me out)

by starfleetbanana



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Star Trek Beyond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim wakes up next to Bones realising for the first time that he, James T. Kirk, is alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	thousand armies (couldn't keep me out)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be honest here. I've no idea what this is, but I wanted to write a bit of Mckirk after seeing Beyond (finally, y'all, latin america suffering here). I'm very into exploring this new aspect of Jim trying to be himself so hard and enjoying what he has instead of thinking of who he should be and so on. I hope it makes sense. Enjoy!
> 
> *Also this is not completely Post Beyond because it's supposed to be before Jim's birthday (brb crying) but I'm bad at tags.

Jim wakes up and stirs feeling the tug of his stitches. He got stabbed, he remembers and he got saved by Spock and Bones and he – He breathes in trying to remember what he’s done in the last few days, urging to find a grip on reality even when he’s in a room that doesn’t belong to him. He thinks of Leonard’s body so close to him, his entire body burning at his touch, a fire threatening to consume him. It was a never ending dance with them, a constant push and pull, movements full of uncertainty and questions no one would ever be able to answer, questions Jim never wanted answered.

He groans as he shifts to a sitting position. The bed feels incredibly comfortable and when he closes his eyes he forgets for a minute of all the destruction that’s ensued in the last forty eight hours. The bed sheets are soft against his bruised skin and wounds, Bones’ right next to him, staring sleepily at his watery blue eyes. Sometimes Jim forgets Leonard’s also there to take care of him, the words stuck in his throat because it hurts so much but he doesn’t want to compromise the rest of his crew. He’s safe now, he’s safe, Bones’ eyes remind him.  He knows he understands but he still needs to learn how to ask out loud.

The pain quickly spreads through his backside, focusing on his ribcage and finally settling stubbornly on his upper right side. He flinches at Leonard’s delicate touch. He needs to feel grounded.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Let me check” McCoy reaches for the nightstand where he left the tricorder before opening his eyes again. When he does, he quickly recalls Jim isn’t in pain because something’s gone wrong, but because all of his cuts had been stitched and he hasn’t used the regenerator on him yet because Jim had insisted he didn’t have enough time or patience to stay on an antiseptic smelling white room on an uncomfortable biobed high on meds while his crew worked. All he wanted was a warm bed, Bones’ lips on him and his muscles to stop hurting with every slight movement. “Do you want me to work that regenerator on you?” He continues sleepily, but he’s body somehow alert to every noise coming out of Jim’s mouth.

“It’s fine, it’s been a while since I fucked up this bad” He smiles. Bones nods and then the pillow muffles the groan he lets out. Jim’s contentment makes him feel the need to stay in that bed forever and he takes a few minutes to splay his fingers on his back. Leonard’s hand is trapped between his stomach and the mattress but he still reaches for Jim’s chest, grazing his right pec, trying to find that one freckle he likes so much with his eyes still closed. “It was stupid”.

“’M glad we got that settled” Leonard answers and turns on the bed to face Jim again. Jim thinks he’s missed moments like these. On the Enterprise whenever they could share a special moment there was the potential of being interrupted. Last time they’d been interrupted by a red alert and Jim had never thought it would mean something as awful as what had happened. But Leonard’s safe and sound smiling lazily at him. He thinks of what could’ve been their last conversation and even then he can’t say Bones’ love for him isn’t in every one of his actions.

Jim’s thoughts drift with Leonard’s hand still on his chest. George Kirk had died and he’d had the opportunity to kill himself too, to surrender before Krall and give up on everything and everyone because he knew he couldn’t take it anymore, but his crew, _his family_ always made him do so much more. Starfleet bears a meaning to him, but he’d chosen to stay alive only to give up his ship and sit in an office forever. He was out of control because none of his decisions made sense. He longed for his family and outer space but spending time on a starship with no clear goal made him question his abilities. The warmth of Bones’ hand makes him feel back into his body.

In a matter of hours he’d turn thirty, he’d become older than his father had ever been for the sake of a crew and for his own life, and Jim still couldn’t understand why he’d given him the chance to live. In moments like these he didn’t really want to think about his father, or George Kirk, the idea of a father. 

“I don’t want to get older” Jim murmurs lowering his body on the pillow again, Leonard’s hands sliding to his stomach. “Now I’ve got no excuse to stay alive. I didn’t save anybody, I’m not a hero” He continues, interrupting himself to catch his breath “I’m not my father. I’m not George Kirk”

He feels Leonard’s hand moving again and his eyes on him. His smile is fond even as he keeps his eyes closed and Jim understands so many things looking at it. It’s weird to be hurting that much and seeing Bones that happy. He doesn’t realise it’s to do with the fact that Jim’s still there, he’s still alive trying to figure out who he is now.

He takes his free hand to his face. He’s got an actual black eye, and it gives him a taste of who he used to be. His entire body hurts but he feels so real he can’t breathe until Leonard’s voice drowns his thoughts.

“You’ve got a reason to stay alive now. That’s a whole life to enjoy being a reckless annoying asshole” 

“There’s a whole life to enjoy next to a bickering old man” Jim answers laughing and the cut on his eyebrow hurts as he does so. He feels a hole within him, and he knows he’ll always feel a part of him is hollow and not even Leonard’s whispered sweet nothings will be able to fill that void. It’s a special place for the people he’s lost, a place he never wants Leonard to be in.

“You disrespectful kid” Bones sighs with a scowl. Jim shifts on the bed to face Bones as he reaches for his hand resting on the mattress. Leonard knows perfectly how to react and understand what that sort of touch means. It’s an ask for help, a ‘ _please don’t leave me’_ and so many other things Jim will never say out loud because he wants to bury all those fears so deeply connected with George and Winona Kirk. Bones knows what to say, how to treat him and keep him feeling like this universe is also real, that he’s got the right to exist. Christ, he saved him from death once again.

He’s been there at the exact same moment he’s needed him for so many years and he desperately holds onto him because know he understands what it’s like to want to stay alive. James feels so much and so little at the same time every part of him needs to be stitched back together by the steady hands of his doctor. His doctor, his CMO, his best friend, his universe.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” Jim apologises because he’d taken too much time figuring out what he wanted his future to be like he’d forgotten he wanted his doctor to be there with him too. He wants to share every second of the rest of that painfully short life as a Captain of a starship, lost in space with Leonard grounding him every step of the way.

 “You would’ve done shit as Vice Admiral, Jim” He nods as a response and Bones laughs. It kills him because he sounds _so alive_ as if he hadn’t been about to lose two of his best friends hours ago, as if he hadn’t been frightened to lose Jim once again. “And I would’ve done shit living in here, kid”

Jim’s hands cradle Bones’ face and his whole world seems to make so much sense when he slowly inhales and Bones simply relaxes. It’s weird to see that man melt under his touch, his usually furrowed brow and his body tense in every circumstance make him look older, but now their life seems so different and in so much control it seems like a dream to be able to see Leonard McCoy as he should’ve always been: _Alive_.

Jim’s touch is feather soft on his cheeks and he thinks of how lucky he is because he was able to find his crew on that planet, because he was able to save him and find him to keep not only as a lifeline but to simply be able to look at him.

“He’d be so proud of you” Leonard whispers leaning on Jim’s touch, and he knows both of them are thinking of Chris Pike because that’s a loss no matter how old he is, Jim’s never getting over. Leonard’s wrong though, Pike wouldn’t have been proud of the mess he’s become.

Pike would’ve questioned every one of his actions as a Captain, he would’ve been mad at him for wanting to leave his crew because he was feeling off. It was childish because Pike’d struggled to stay as Captain for as long as his body could stand it. And Jim, who’d tried so hard to prove himself worthy of the Enterprise, of a chair for himself, had chosen to give it all up hoping his crew wouldn’t get hurt in the way. Jim scoffs.

“You’re the only person who’s proud of me, Bones”.

“I sure am, darlin’

**Author's Note:**

> Mckirk makes me so excited I forget how to write actual things with plots but I sincerely hope you get this and cry with me. Thanks.


End file.
